Dear Precious Child

Dear Precious Child,


August 26, 2011
Everything in my mind was going great, just the way it was supposed to.  I felt good, and was enjoying holding you. Your daddy and I had date night.  We went to Mongolian Grill and rented a movie.  When we got home from Windsor, I visited the bathroom and saw some spotting.  It worried me a little bit, but not too much, I knew a little bit of spotting was normal. I kept the minor worries in the back of my mind and held on to the fact that you were healthy and that God would keep you healthy.  


August 27, 2011 
We had a yard sale for your great-grandma.  Great-grandpa recently passed and she wanted to sell some of his stuff.  Oh how I enjoyed family asking me questions about you; if your daddy and I will find out your gender and what we'll name you.  My grandma, your great-grandma, is so excited to meet you.  You added a little sunshine in the storm she's in.  Great-grandpa would have loved to meet you too.


August 28, 2011 
Sunday morning I woke up and went to the bathroom, I was bleeding more heavily now. My heart instantly sank.  Before I even told your daddy, I called my midwife.  I broke down on the phone call with her.  I could barely get the words out to explain to her what was happening to me.  She reassured me that this is normal and if it gets heavier, I should call her back. She gave me a list of reasons why this could be happening and I tried really hard to focus on these.  I told your daddy, and I could see in his face that he felt helpless. He told me to try not to worry.  I know you can feel everything I can feel.  


Your daddy and I went to church and I knew anyone who looked at me could see something was wrong. I couldn't hide it.  


As I listened to the worship team sing the song The Stand, I rested my head on your daddy's shoulders wondering if I could give you to Him completely.


So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all. 
So, I'll stand my soul Lord to you surrendered, all I am is Yours. 


Why would he want to take you from me? I hated that I didn't have answers. I hated that your daddy and I couldn't do anything to keep you safe like parents are supposed to.  Through all of this time, I tried to hold on to the fact that there was still hope. That you were still healthy. 


My friends, your aunties, (I hope you get to meet them, you're really going to like them) took me to the ER that afternoon. I was bleeding heavier now.  They took my blood and we waited for two hours until I got to see a doctor. She did a check-up and said that I had a 2/3 chance that this isn't a miscarriage.  That meant I had a 1/3 chance that I was losing you. This broke my heart.  They made me an ultrasound apt. for the next day. 


August 29, 2011 
Your auntie is holding a little one too.  She had a ultrasound the same day I had an ultrasound with you. So we went together.  Once again, your health was in my mind all day. I tried to distract myself, so this burden would leave, just for a moment. Your auntie had her ultrasound first.  Guess what?  She found out she's having a healthy baby boy.  This made me very happy and gave me hope that I would hear similar news, that nothing was wrong and you were healthy. We had lunch and went to the hospital for your ultrasound. 


My apt. was at 3:15, I didn't get in until 4:15.  My midwife told me that I shouldn't be worried if the ultrasound tech showed me your heartbeat and showed me a picture of you, she told me if this happened, nothing was wrong. 


None of this happened.  They didn't do a normal ultrasound.  They did a vaginal ultrasound and she didn't say a word.  All she did was look at her screen and write things down.  I was dying inside. Dying to know if you still had a heartbeat.  Dying to get the news your auntie received, that everything looked great.  To get the news of why I was bleeding and that I shouldn't worry about it. Once the ultrasound tech had seen everything she needed to see, she told me to get dressed and told me that since this is an emergency situation she couldn't tell me anything.  In my head, I wanted to tell her that you were much more than a situation.  I knew that this was normal and that ultrasound techs weren't aloud to say anything, but my midwife said otherwise.  


I got dressed and left the room.  Your auntie was waiting anxiously for the news and I had none to give her.  I considered going and waiting for your results in the ER, but the wait was just too long for auntie's son Nicholas to wait.  I broke down, once again. I didn't know what to think and I didn't know what to say. I know I probably shouldn't have, but I felt I've already lost you. 
You're daddy was so frustrated at the fact that no one was giving us answers. We had to wait another day for the ultrasound results.  I've never seen you daddy so quiet. 


When your daddy got home, I broke down and he held me once again.  We didn't say much to each other, we needed to just be quiet and still for a little while.  All we could think about was you.


August 30, 2011 
I was bleeding heavier now, but mostly when I went to the bathroom.  I had mild cramping in the morning and the cramping became heavier at night. 


This was the day we were going to get some answers that your daddy and I were anxiously waiting for or so we thought. I went to work, praying constantly that the phone call I would receive from my midwife would be filled with good news. Around 1:00 pm my phone rang.  I was driving back from lunch with another one of your many aunties. I answered it and quickly pulled into the Walmart parking lot.  My midwife asked if I had time to come in for an emergency apt. that afternoon.  She also said that the results that came back from my ultrasound were unclear. It didn't state that it was a miscarriage. It pretty much stated that I was 7 weeks and 1 day when I thought I was almost 11 weeks. 


So, once again, no clear answer.  I went to Windsor to talk in person with my midwife.  We discussed all the reasons why I would be bleeding and she also prepared me for a miscarriage.  She told me that I would experience a lot of cramping and lots of bleeding.  She also gave me forms to make 2 more apts for my blood work to test my hormone levels. This is how we'll tell if I'm miscarrying or not. She gave me another form to make another ultrasound 2 weeks from now.  It broke my heart that you might be gone before then.  And if you are, I won't even be able to ever hear your heart beat.


I felt very frustrated and called your daddy once again with the results.  His frustration also grew knowing I was in pain and not knowing how his first child is.  We wouldn't know until Friday or Monday if we were going to lose you.


I went home and waiting for your daddy to come home.  


I want you to know that he works very hard, he's been preparing for you to come into the world.  He's such a wonderful provider and I can see him being an amazing daddy.


You're daddy brought me Tylenol for my cramping and he brought me supper.  I haven't been cooking much, I haven't been doing much of anything, but thinking about you.  He comforted me once again, reassuring me that God has a reason for everything. 


It was a rough evening for me, seeing commercials about babies, everything making me think of you.  


I called your grandma and grandpa and finally let them know the extent of things.  Your grandpa said "hang in there kiddo." and your grandma told me "I'm so sorry Jody and that she loves me." I wish you could have seen how excited they were for you to come into the world.  I've never seen your grandma scream like she did when I told her about you.   


August 31, 2011 
I stayed home from work, waking up crying once again.  I never could understand the love a parent had for a child.  I know we haven't even looked into each other's eyes, but your daddy and I have unconditional love for you already. It's been fun wondering if you would look more like him or me. It really didn't matter, we just wanted you to be healthy.  Your grandma and grandpa called again to see how I was doing. 


I felt very confused and unsure of why this was happening to me.  Your daddy wanted to wait until we knew you were healthy to tell people about you, but I couldn't wait.  Now, I was wondering if it would have been easier for me, if I did wait.  My cramping was extreme now.  I really don't want to doubt what God can do because I know for a fact he can work miracles, but the textbook answer is that I'm having a miscarriage.  We don't know for sure and we won't know for a couple more days. 


Whatever happens, I wanted you to know we love you very much.  I wanted you to know that we are holding on to hope still, if you're able to meet us, I wanted you to read how we felt when we thought we were losing you.  And if God decides he needs you in heaven, I know you'll be forever loved and forever happy.

We've fallen in love with you already, and if I no longer can hold you in my womb, you'll always be in my heart.