I wrote this post a while ago, and figured I should publish it.
It's been over a month now. The grieving process has been an emotional roller coaster. I've had some really easy weeks and some really hard weeks. I thought it was over, but I don't think it will be over for a while. Here's a little part of my grieving process.
What bothers me most about this past month is in my head I feel like people have been pretending I was never pregnant. At first I liked this because then to me it felt like it was all a dream and much easier to deal with. I would tell myself things like I was only 11 weeks, good thing I was barely even showing, it's for the better, I will get pregnant again, eventually...but something changed. I don't really feel those things anymore. Despite the fact I was barely showing and only 11 weeks, I was still pregnant. This will always and forever be my first child. He/she had a soul and is now waiting for me and Texan's arrival to heaven. I can barely wait for the day.
Last week another person asked me how far along I was. This time I was thankful and am reminded of the fact that today I would have been 16 weeks and 2 days, almost half way there. I probably would have had my ultrasound pictures and be showing them off to everybody. By now I would be showing. I would still be searching for a perfect baby name. Dreaming about the nursery. Probably not be fitting in my skinnies and wouldn't really care.
What I would tell somebody who had an early miscarriage? I believe every situation is different and can't really be compared, but the one thing I would tell them is what a good friend told me. I went to youth a week or two after miscarrying and one of the first things she said when she looked at me is you don't have to be so strong.
I guess I felt I didn't really deserve to be outwardly sad for too long. It's something I struggle with. Everyone else's situations are always more important than mine.
In my heart there is still a hole and sadness, but life is moving on. My husband and I just celebrated 3 very short years of marriage and he still gives me back rubs, just because. I'm loving youth ministry more than ever. I am continuing to take night classes and am finally motivated. I am thankful for Texan's job and my job! My brother sold his first house, actually his house; I'm thankful for that. God has given us sunshine this week, and I'm thankful for that.
I know that despite the sad feelings I have, God is always good!
We'll be there soon, Baby Funk! <3 With lots of love.
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